Saturday, 7 July 2012

getting a bit biblical

A three hundred year old mystery has been solved, thanks to the intervention of an Anglican bishop*. The Right Reverend Richard Dow, former Bishop of Carlisle, has identified pro-gay legislation  as the cause of recent floods in the North of England.

This got me thinking. Everyone knows that Teh Gay is a recent invention, a lifestyle choice brought on by excess of liberalism, a rich diet, and compulsory universal education. But... what if....?

I'd been bothered by the mystery of Richard Kidder, ever since seeing his monument in Wells Cathedral. He was the Bishop of Bath and Wells, and he and Elizabeth, his wife, were killed when a chimney fell on them during the Great Storm of 1703. Hundreds of people were drowned in floods across the Somerset Levels, of course; but obviously they were just being punished for their everyday immorality. Somerset, eh?

But why the Bish? What dark and terrible secret did he harbour, that God's wrath should have been visited upon him? -fired by the guttering light of evangelical dogma, I dangled my Scrying Onion over a dusty copy of Pevsner, and traced its gyrations. Slowly it swung. It circled.  And suddenly it came to me! I can at last reveal the awful truth.

It was all Susanna's fault.

Here she is, 'rather daringly dressed' (Pevsner), gazing up at the funerary urns of her parents, on the monument which she erected to their memory. Susanna never married; she spurned the advances of Dr Claver Morris, despite his income, his town house and carriage, and the liberally-waxed moustachios which he was wont to twirl suggestively during Richard's sermons. She died childless, in East Grinstead.

The inference is clear. Susanna was evidently a lesbian.

And there she is, flaunting herself in a cathedral! I think the time has come to drag this monument to lasciviousness and vice out into the cathedral close, and destroy it with big hammers and fire and vinegar. Perhaps we can invite the Right Reverend Richard Dow to lead the way on this one? Come the hour, come the man. Pitchforks! Fiery brands! Aux armes, citoyens!

*It was five years ago, but a flood's a flood in my opinion. Thanks, Liz, for pointing that out!